The quiz · Which drinker are you?
Answer honestly and we'll hand you a whiskey and the matching character flaws — the drinker you really are, with a case file to prove it. Then send it to the friend whose shelf costs more than their car.
Question 1 of 8
0% poured
You're…
Owns the bottle, guards the bottle, and can't remember the last time he actually drank it.
Your pour
Buffalo Trace Kentucky Straight Bourbon
For the allocation historian — six sealed bottles, a spreadsheet with tabs, and the 2019 price recited like a war date.
Hear Ep. 13You're…
Thirty-one years of purple bags, filed in shoeboxes. Every bag is a Friday.
Your pour
Crown Royal Deluxe
For the universal uncle — thirty-one years of purple bags, dice in one, dominoes in another, Fridays in all of them.
Hear Ep. 22You're…
Knows the markup. Pays it with his whole chest. The moment is the product.
Your pour
Don Julio 1942 Añejo Tequila
For the bottle-service birthday king — $720 sparkler markup, nine phones up, video posted before the bottle lands.
Hear Ep. 17You're…
Holds court from the velvet booth, behind sunglasses he will not take off indoors.
Your pour
Hennessy V.S.O.P Privilège
For Maurice — charcoal suit, indoor sunglasses, a cologne microclimate with a three-table radius.
Hear Ep. 9You're…
Cuts a 130-proof barrel pick with exactly zero water, and dares you to comment.
Your pour
Lagavulin 16 Year Old
For Dale, the Ron Swanson tribute act — neat, no water, because water is for cowards.
Hear Ep. 11You're…
Won't drink it neat — and has strong, correct opinions about your Old Fashioned.
Your pour
Mellow Corn Bottled-in-Bond
For Dash, who insists this very famous bottle is the industry's best-kept secret.
Hear Ep. 12You're…
Gives the bottle, receives the bottle, and has never once broken the seal.
Your pour
Johnnie Walker Blue Label
For the executive gifter — eleven given, four received, none opened, "the best" on one plastic-cup data point.
Hear Ep. 15You're…
Finds nine tasting notes in every pour, two of which they invented.
Your pour
WhistlePig 10 Year Straight Rye
For Tanner — new gravel bike, camping guitar, and a whiskey that proves he's upper-middle class.
Hear Ep. 8You're…
Doesn't enjoy Irish whiskey — administers it. And he's right. That's the worst part.
Your pour
Redbreast 12 Year Single Pot Still
For the "well, actually" guy — footnoted corrections, a practiced "uisce beatha," and a flight bookmarked since 2020.
Hear Ep. 19You're…
Found their drink in 2009 and has been ordering it ever since.
Your pour
Jameson Irish Whiskey
For Murph — three flat caps, four percent Irish, one hundred percent committed to the bit.
Hear Ep. 5You're…
Same order since 1987. Has watched every storm. Has never been wrong on the money.
Your pour
Wild Turkey 101 Kentucky Straight Bourbon
For the retired electrician who's voted for it since 1987 — "the same corn with better lawyers."
Hear Ep. 21You're…
Won't drink it himself — but he needs to watch you try, and the phone's already up.
Your pour
Jeppson's Malört
For Vince, who doesn't drink it — he buys it to watch your soul briefly leave your body.
Hear Ep. 7You're…
Doesn't care what it scores. Cares what it reminds them of.
What you'd reach for
A soft, warming pour with a story attached — the bourbon a relative drank, a gentle Irish whiskey, whatever sounds right next to a low light and a long day. The bottle matters less than the moment it's holding open.
Browse the Tasting WallYou're…
Doesn't drink — "drinks clean." Logs the lime, never the pour.
Your pour
Tito's Handmade Vodka
For the wellness optimizer — Tito's soda, three limes ("basically electrolytes"), vodka unlogged.
Hear Ep. 16You're…
Orders the smokiest thing on the menu, mostly to watch your face.
Your pour
Laphroaig 10 Year Old
For the guy who orders the smokiest thing on the menu, then watches your face while you drink it.
Hear Ep. 2You're…
Knows more than everyone in the room and mentions none of it.
What you'd reach for
Understated single malts, an old rye with a boring label, the cask-strength thing nobody's heard of. Nothing allocated, nothing loud — just whatever's actually good. They'd rather drink it than discuss it.
Browse the Tasting WallYou're…
Orders the fanciest-sounding, lowest-proof pour and calls it strategy.
Your pour
Basil Hayden
For Doug, the safe bettor — the fanciest-sounding pour that still tastes like water.
Hear Ep. 10You're…
The last officer still on duty. Waits for the lull, then — low — "Shots?"
Your pour
Jägermeister
For the last social chair still on duty — one frozen row, the communal grimace, the invoice in the morning.
Hear Ep. 18You're…
The trip was eleven days. It was four years ago. It is still happening.
Your pour
Hibiki Japanese Harmony
For the man whose eleven-day Japan trip never ended — staged pours, selvedge denim, "not really ramen ramen."
Hear Ep. 20You're…
Loves the chase more than the pour — and the receipt most of all.
Your pour
The Macallan 18 Sherry Oak
For Brett, newly minted partner, swirling with too much wrist so the whole steakhouse sees.
Hear Ep. 6